How CIA Owned In Q Tel Moved to the Forefront of Global Deception

 By Walter O’Shea, PhD (Because Apparently That Matters in the "Intelligence" lolcow Circus)

Langley’s Silicon Valley Side Hustle Becomes the Forefront of Global Deception

Picture a dimly-lit boardroom in Langley, the air thick with burnt coffee and the existential dread of bureaucrats who just realized the internet wasn’t a fad. It’s 1999. The CIA, fresh off missing every red flag before 9/11, decides Silicon Valley’s hoodie-clad code monkeys might save their bacon. Enter In-Q-Tel (IQT), Langley’s answer to Fyre Festival—a nonprofit VC masquerading as innovation’s savior while weaponizing your tax dollars to turn TikTok filters into spy tools.

Two decades later, IQT isn’t a secret. It’s a vibe—a Kafkaesque blend of Cold War paranoia and venture capital grift. From Google Earth (née Keyhole, RIP privacy) to Palantir (Peter Thiel’s Skynet starter kit), IQT’s portfolio reads like a dystopian Mad Libs. Their mission? To own the future before you even know it’s for sale.

Birth of a Bureaucratic Frankenstein

In 1999, the CIA—still reeling from the shock that fax machines weren’t cutting it—outsourced its midlife crisis to Norman Augustine, Lockheed Martin’s ex-CEO. His pitch: “Let’s let Silicon Valley build our spy toys so Congress can’t yell at us when they blow up.” Thus, IQT was born, a “nonprofit” with a taxpayer-funded allowance and a license to cosplay as a VC.

The Q, of course, is a nod to James Bond’s gadget guru—a fitting metaphor for an agency that once poisoned Castro’s cigars and now invests in AI that can poison democracy. Jeffrey Smith, the CIA’s former top lawyer and IQT architect, later admitted they needed a name with “sex appeal.” Mission accomplished. Nothing says “sexy” like a spy agency funding hologram startups and mouth radios (Sonitus Medical’s tooth-mounted comms device—because earbuds are for peasants).

Key to IQT’s grift: dual-use tech. Facial recognition for mall security? Perfect for tracking dissidents. Sentiment analysis for TikTok? Ideal for psyops. As Smith bragged, “What [CIA analysts] have today is breathtaking.” Breathtaking, indeed. Like a sucker punch to the Fourth Amendment.

The Cast of Characters—Spooks, Suits, and Silicon Bros

IQT’s boardroom is a revolving door of spy-world rejects and tech bros who’ve never met a moral boundary they couldn’t monetize:

  • Steve Bowsher (CEO): Harvard-Stanford’s finest, a human LinkedIn algorithm who turned IQT into a $1.2B slush fund. His superpower? Convincing startups that “national security” is code for “get rich.”
  • Matt Strottman (COO): The guy who stares at Bloomberg terminals and whispers, “Why isn’t Skynet EBITDA-positive yet?”
  • Morgan Mahlock (Investor): In 2020, she teased IQT’s investment in a “toxic content” detector—a company so classified even its name is redacted. Nothing shady here, folks!
  • Chris Darby (ex-CEO): The man who once told Congress that DoD brass trailing “50 people” in Silicon Valley was “not the way the Valley operates.” Translation: Spooks in suits scare off unicorns.

Then there’s George Hoyem, IQT’s investment guru, who casually drops that 70% of their tech makes it to pilot stages—meaning half get shoved into Langley’s arsenal. “We’re taking commercial startups and showing them a dual use into the government,” he smirked in 2020. Dual use. Like turning Blackshark.AI’s Microsoft Flight Simulator tech into ORCA HUNTR, a tool to “detect any object on Earth.” What could go wrong?

Follow the Money (If You Can)

IQT’s finances are a masterclass in creative accounting:

  • $1.2 billion in taxpayer cash since 2011.
  • $526 million from Uncle Sam between 2015–2020 alone.
  • CEO salaries hitting $1M/year—because why should Silicon Valley have all the fun?

But here’s the kicker: IQT’s a nonprofit. Allegedly. Profits get funneled into “operations” (read: Aspen retreats and artisanal scotch). Their investments? A dystopian bingo card:

  • Palantir: Because democratizing mass surveillance is so 2020.
  • Databricks: A $43B data-crunching beast that’s probably reading your emails.
  • Behavioral Signals: Peddling “Polygraph Plus,” an AI that judges your “trustworthiness” by voice stress. Move over, Freud.

And let’s not forget the 2016 Wall Street Journal exposé revealing IQT’s trustees held board seats at companies they funded. Conflicts of interest? Nah—just capitalism with a side of espionage.

AI, Misinformation, and the Art of Gaslighting Nations

IQT’s latest pet project? Trust Lab, a “misinformation” watchdog with CIA cash and a God complex. Their AI scours the internet for “toxic content,” which, in Langley-speak, means whatever we say it means. CEO Tom Siegel claims it’s about “safeguarding the internet,” but let’s translate:

  • “Foreign-focused”: Sure, until it’s domestic-focused. Remember the Postal Service’s iCOP program monitoring BLM protests?
  • “High-risk content”: Code for “speech that embarrasses the State Department.”

Meanwhile, IQT’s AI portfolio is a parade of dual-use horrors:

  • Fiddler.AI: Markets “responsible AI” while helping drones “anticipate threats” in warzones.
  • Blackshark.AI: Turns satellite imagery into a Where’s Waldo? for drone strikes.

And who defines “misinformation”? The same folks who brought you MKUltra and Iran-Contra. Trust us!

The Future—Same Spooks, New Toys

IQT’s 2025 roadmap is a fever dream of techno-dystopia:

  • Quantum Computing: To crack encryption before you finish your latte.
  • Neurotech: Because why stop at tracking your location when we can map your dopamine?
  • Autonomous Drones: For when human pilots get queasy about civilian casualties.

As ex-CEO Darby quipped, “Startups don’t speak government, and government doesn’t speak startup.” But they both speak money—and IQT’s got plenty.

The Banality of Techno-Tyranny

IQT isn’t just a VC firm. It’s a warning—a blueprint for how democracies dissolve into surveillance states with a smiley-face logo. The CIA doesn’t need to hack your devices anymore. They’ll just invest in the companies building them.

So next time you zoom in on Google Earth or rant on Twitter, remember: The same tech that entertains you could be training an algorithm to silence you. Stay vigilant. Stay paranoid. And maybe check your fillings for trackers.

Walter O’Shea is a former [redacted] who still sweeps his car for trackers. Not bombs. Just trackers. He is not THAT paranoid. His latest book, “Democracy™: A User’s Manual for Getting Rich From Mass Behavioral Sinks,” is available at anarchist bookstores and the NSA’s gift shop.

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